China Flipped, America Won: The Cold War's Secret?

So folks, let me tell you something, a lot of people don't know this, but the reason why America won the Cold War wasn't because we were so strong, and definitely not because of some victory of democracy over dictatorship. No, no, no, it was because China flipped to the Western side at a crucial moment. You see, China was like this big, heavy weight, and when it was on the socialist side, the Soviets were like, 'Boom, we're unstoppable!' They were marching all over the place, and America was like, 'Uh oh, we're in trouble!' They were facing a two-front war, you know? In Europe, the Soviets were coming closer and closer, and in Asia, they had to fight against China in Korea and Vietnam. America could have beaten either of them separately, but trying to do both? That's like trying to juggle chainsaws! That's why they failed in Korea, and why they got their butts kicked in Vietnam. But then, China and the Soviet Union had a big, nasty fight, and Russia lost its best buddy, China. America was like, 'Ooh, opportunity!' They made friends with China, and they were both like, 'Let's take down the bad guys!' The Soviets were now fighting on two fronts, while America was all focused on Europe, and boom! They crushed them! And the Soviets were already weaker than us to begin with. They were like trying to play baseball with a tennis racket. To make things worse, Russia wanted to take over the Persian Gulf, which is like the world's gas station, so they went into Afghanistan. They thought they'd be tough guys, but then China and America were like, 'Not so fast!' They armed those Afghan fighters, who were like little annoying gnats. They just kept on bugging the Russians, and they were trapped, like a fly in a spiderweb! They ran out of money and went 'poof!' And all this happened a little more than a decade after China flipped to the Western side. So, folks, it's simple: China flipped, America won. It's that simple.